I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
