So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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