Im at strip club and am horny
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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