Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
