She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
