im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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