I hate your face
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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