The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
