some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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