i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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