The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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