I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
