i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
