woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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