So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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