I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
be right there i have to get my cape
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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