i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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