at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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