I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize