quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
