her vagine was all disorganized.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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