do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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