i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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