I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My cat gives me a boner
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
