Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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