i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
ttyl tear gas
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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