If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
