and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
