If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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