Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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