She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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