God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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