I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
