Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
