Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
