Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
