My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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