This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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