morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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