the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
