Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
