dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
