I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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