Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
