when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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