I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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