Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
