Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
