I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
