News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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