If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
