There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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