When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
