When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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