When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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