You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize