new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
