I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
