did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
