the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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