take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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